I am on a tear, it happens. Most of the time I try to ignore people when we disagree, especially in our little corner of the world. But every now and again, walking away just doesn’t work.
I’m not sure I am adverse to suffering fools. I seem to be open to at least entertaining them for dinner, but bullies? That is another issue entirely. Hold my peace, turn the other cheek, riiiight. I’m a city girl from the ‘Don’t start none,won’t be none’ school of thought. Now when I have turned all four cheeks, I find myself forced to provide the Lord yet another forgiveness opportunity. A blogger I read put it this way, ‘Trying God’s Patience Since 1965′ that’s me.
For some reason, the idea that one has values, morals or standards seems to set you apart in this neck of the woods and not in a good way. Every perversion under the sun is A-OK, any accommodation to moral relativism is fine but when you say you actually have a moral foundation and try to do the right thing, every criticism imaginable is leveled.
Well I know I am not alone, I know I am not out-numbered and more importantly, I know there is a woman reading this blog who needs to know she is entitled to her dignity and her self-respect within a power exchange relationship. She needs to know she is worth drawing a line in the sand.
Hear me my sister, don’t sell yourself short, you are better than that nonsense. Don’t drink the koolaid or get on the ‘everyone is doing it’ bandwagon. If they all jumped off the roof would you do that too? (sorry, flashback)
This life-style is not about victimization. It is not about pouring your brain out of your ear. You do not have to lower yourself to the standards of some deviant because he says this is how power exchange is supposed to operate. I’ve quoted dominant men extensively this week and have a few more to share later but the bottom line does come down to standards and expectations.
If you have no standard, no bottom line, no non-negotiable standard for when and where you will enter a relationship; you allow someone else to decide your bottom line. If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything. That includes infidelity, dishonesty or abuse disguised as training. That is what you will receive.
I do not believe in moral relativism. I believe we set goals and strive to meet them daily. If you have no goal, anything is acceptable. And as many of you know from your own relationships – moral relativism hurts like hell when decisions are made that do not take your best interest in mind and accountability is one-sided.
This post is part of a series that started with the lying thing and will go on for a few more. What has sparked this are some comments, not about DD per se, which was bad enough but about Christians in general. As a believer, I take exception to much of it, particularly in how it has been tied to the mistreatment of women. Everyone is not a believer – I get that, but it seems quite acceptable to lay every demeaning, controlling behavior at the feet of Christians or practitioners of DD. This is a lifestyle that includes scat among it’s illustrious fetish options and lying among many is apparently com se com sa. Self-deception? It’s what for breakfast. But Christianity is a problem, riiiight.
Using what I know very well, I am going to try to extrapolate basic social constructs. I like to think we have an intelligent virtual coffee clutch here, so, starting with a snapshot Christian theology, I am going to draw a line across all our fetishes and see if it doesn’t make sense. I think it will but some people will never let good sense stand in the way of agenda — here goes.
Christianity is not the only religion utilizing a patriarchal structure. Please note the following taken from Wikipedia
Complementarianism is a term used to describe a conservative theological view held by many in Christianity and other world religions that men and women have different roles and responsibilities, as manifested in marriage, religious leadership, and elsewhere.
Limitations of women’s roles on the basis of religious beliefs are not unique to conservative Christianity or Western culture.[11] For example, Arab American women of Jewish, Muslim, Christian, and other religions are socialized to be supportive of their husbands’ role in the family hierarchy. Their roles are said to “complement” the roles of men, and their status and power in a family are derived from that of males. Within Islam, “a tension exists between the egalitarian view that believers are judged on the basis of merit and the inegalitarian view that women and men should fulfill distinct, complementary roles in the family and society”
Now if you remove the religious justification from the above, it sounds a lot like what Wikipedia says of BDSM.
BDSM activities and relationships differ from conventional activities and relationships in that they are based on the concept of partners taking on deliberately unequal but complementary roles, in an eroticized – but not always sexual – context.
CLUTCH THE PEARLS!!! Unequal but complementary!
That covers DD, CDD, D/s, M/s, Pony Girls, Women As Cocktail Tables, Public Nudity, Crudity, Prudity; along with Women Who Haven’t Made a Decision This Millennium and all the rest. Unequal.
There you have it. Remove the historical religious context preserving the dominant role for men and Complementariansim reflects the structure of BDSM and likewise. I guess if I wasn’t a Christian or at least relatively intelligent I would not understand the similarities in theory but it isn’t that difficult when they are presented next to each other.
Now, let’s drill down to my personal kinky favorite and the seeming golden-haired child of kink, Domestic Discipline.
‘Cue Angels Singing’
This excerpt and definition for DD is taken from the Mission Statement of the Discipline and Love Group:
A fully consensual agreement between two loving, committed, monogamous, (usually) heterosexual adults, in which (most commonly) the male partner takes the leading role as ‘Head of Household’ (HOH) or ‘Head of Relationship’ (HOR). This may, or may not, include the introduction of a mutually agreed upon set of rules and conditions of conduct intended to promote connection and harmony within the relationship. These may, or may not, be enforced by means of a form of discipline, most commonly spanking, by the HOH on the generally female partner.
We are fully aware that in an adult intimate relationship, any form of constructive control by one partner over another, especially one that involves the use of physical discipline, often has sexual connotations, and we do not exclude the discussion of this element of the dynamic. However. this site is not about erotic role-playing or sado/masochistic pleasure, but about the serious and meaningful use of domestic discipline as a means to improve and enhance a loving relationship.
Yeah, yeah, consensual. So you say, I heard all DD people were born in Kenya!
But I digress, we do care about the role of submissive women in the power exchange dynamic (sorry female-led and same sex couples, this food-fight is over sub women, no offense, I love y’all, HUGGS!).
Let’s examine information from a good resource on Slaves and Submissives, The Submissive Guide. Here is an excerpt on self-identity.
The Psychological Submissive
The physchological submissive begins his or her submission in their mind. This submissive is submissive in and out of the bedroom. They generally have a need to submit or surrender to a Dominant. The act of submission is mental. S/he can give as much or as little as they wish ot or need to give. They then become the responsibility of the Dominant to determine the direction of the relationship. The surrendering is the power exchange. Once the surrender occurs they can become an empty vessel for the Dominant. Love is not required, as this is a mental and psychological submission.
The Slave Heart Submissive
This submissive wishes to surrender everything without becoming a slave. In comparison with the psychological submissive, a slave heart submissive craves the love of the Dominant they submit to. The act of submission is full of emotion and love. S/he gives all they have for the return of love and trust from the Dominant they serve.
The Slave
Unlike the submissive, a slave must surrender completely and be in complete control of a Master. The slave must feel completely owned. The slave usually feels like nothing until Masters gives them a slave identity. When Masters is happy the slave is happy. Many slaves I have talked to feel this way. They feel most complete when with Masters. The slave beams when s/he brings Master pleasure. The slave must surrender, and the slave is not happy until s/he has surrendered. The slave feels completed when surrendering to a Master.
There you have it, DD in the words of a group promoting DD. Slave and Submissive definitions from a woman who writes a extensive newsletter on the subject in the BDSM arena. She could be considered a guru of sorts since she shares her ample resources and knowledge on the subject with others, but she may just like willing resource better. She was recommended to me by someone many of us remember; Constance, the blogger of My Dabble in the Middle End.
Now considering the charges leveled at DD recently, the admonishment about people living in glass houses throwing stones comes to mind. These definitions don’t exactly sound, er, ah, flexible,,,,,accommodating,,,,,uplifting and all such stuff. I mean, I don’t feel all empowered and authoritative but maybe I misread them,,,
NOT!
However, I don’t want to make the same offensive mistake others have made when attacking DD so I will revisit that dichotomy later this week.
And you don’t have to take my word for any of this. I have a blog roll full of couples who practice DD, pick one. You won’t find this indictment of manic emphasis on control that has been propagated by some bloggers. Likewise if you read the blogs listed there written by women who are self described slaves and submissives, you will find the something else very interesting.
They all sound the same. DD submissives, significant others, Submissives, Slaves, Wives (lol), et al.
They sound like women who chose to enter exchange relationships with dominant men and love it.
All of them.
I like respect, integrity and reality on my blog roll so that is who I tend to link too. I try to share examples of strong power exchange couples or people, no matter their title.
What matters to me? People I can learn from, who either live or are headed in the same direction I am headed. I prefer women who do not use power exchange as a means of abdicating responsibility for their ability to think. I prefer men who do not use power exchange to advance self-serving agendas. The fight should be towards each other, not away. I prefer men who actively love and lead their partners. Maturity? Yes Self-delusion or destructive behavior? No
Now, if I felt like it, I could go into an offshoot of DD called CDD. When coupled with a misinterpretation of scripture, this school of thought veers into rigid constrictive roles that rival the Taliban in Afghanistan. However, most Christians who practice DD do not hold that the scripture requires these rigid interpretations of sexual roles. Since I have given you quite a bit of unhappy CDD talk in other posts I will share a credible CDD link with you.
http://www.christiandd.com/
Nice ladies, nice blog. I suggest you read their review of Mr LDD and his books, quite eye-opening if you are unaware of his background and beliefs. While I don’t believe the Bible addresses DD at all, I do not begrudge people who practice it their beliefs. My issue is and always runs to consent. There are some, the above noted board excluded, who believe once consent is given it non-revocable. Ever. Never. Under any circumstances. This is indefensible, unjustifiable and has no basis in scripture.
Now if I was into BDSM and I knew the internet had the ABUNDANCE of information regarding abuse and misbehavior in that lifestyle, I would not throw stones. Ever. But apparently there is this school of thought that DD looks down on BDSM and considers it a stinky, ill-mannered, amoral, bastard relation (it’s the piss play y’all, sorry). I disagree. I think that the line in the sand is drawn differently and nomenclature has nothing to do with it, so hold that thought.
Every now and again there is this march of the wooden soldiers about all that is wrong with DD, how it is comprised of self-important meanies with superiority complexes. Those DD rascals are all gurus and frauds, (note to Ally, in addition to my creepy t-shirt I will need to order both guru and fraud t-shirts, please don’t let me forget, ok?). The fact of the matter is yes, there are some people who’ve established boards and blogs with no real life experience to base their writings upon. But this has and continues to happen in every arena of power exchange.
Nuh Uh, not BDSM.
Hold that thought, be right back,,,
Does that discredit an entire lifestyle? No. Particularly when you have REAL-LIFE examples of people who live DD daily at your fingertips to reference. I would refer you again to my well-researched blog roll but I will start feeling superior, therefore I press on with an alternative.
Here’s a board full of happy DDers of every stripe:
OTK_DD_Living_Alternatively@yahoogroups.com
The primary moderator is Lynn, you can tell her Dana sent you. She will happily share with you the limited history and evolution of DD – there isn’t much but she is encyclopedic in experience and historic knowledge. Credible. Honest even. Must be the DD in her. A real class act. Enjoy.
Now, BDSM is older and the amount of information available is far more comprehensive. Let’s pop back over to The Submissive Guide for help.
http://www.submissiveguide.com/resources/
This link takes you to her resources page. Chock Full. Lots of gurus, experts, therapists, books, movies, magazines, links, prompts, guides, pictures. You name it, she has it. Information on meetings, gatherings, mixers, munches, trainings, tools of the trade. Hang me, slice me, dice me, clean me, cut me, chain me, drain me, cage me, corral me. She is nothing if not comprehensive.
That’s right, experts. In BDSM. Who’d a thunk it?
Now I could be small and petty, or at least smaller and pettier than I’ve already been and take a trip over to FetLife but it is late and I won’t be able to sleep after I burn my eyes on the pics, so no FetLife tonight. However a casual (meaning unlike the comprehensive, and well-done I might add, research found here, you can just read any random message) review of the boards will reveal all sorts of controlling misogynistic behaviors among those practitioners. Horrible, demeaning, spirit-killing activities in a wild submissive race to the bottom.
Does this make BDSM, the M/s or D/s dynamics in some way more offensive and reprehensible than DD?
In a word, No.
It makes some practitioners of M/s and D/s offensive, reprehensible, abusive and threat to the mental and physical well-being of their partners. But definitely not all.
As pissed-off as I am over the blanket indictment of Christianity and the wholesale slander of DD couples; I can’t return the favor.
Well I could have but I was dragged off the ledge and they took my rifle.
F-in’ commie bastards.
OK no,
That did not really happen.
What really happened was cooler heads prevailed and I was guilted into not posting the broadside salvo I intended to hurl.
Freakin’ Guru Lady, hmph,
Plus,
I know better.
Damn my moral upbringing and quality education.
I read some fairly extensive sites. And unlike many, I read for comprehension not titillation, (Hey, Mrs. Ford!). Seems like a rare occurrence in these parts but it is doable.
I actually respect and admire men across the full-spectrum of power exchange. I cannot in good conscious return an ignorant, ill-advised, biased, poorly worded attack on DD and Christianity with the same. These men, who I have come to admire and respect, don’t deserve it.
It would be character assassination and just plain wrong.
I know,,,
Freakin’ moral code
’sigh’
It is a burden I must bear.
Damn my quality upbringing, ’snarl’,
So, enough for tonight.
Hopefully, this information is enough for you to follow my trajectory and see where I am going here.
No more cutting asides and thinly veiled aspersions for this post. I will do more of that tomorrow. We will get into legalism, protocol, training and all such stuff over the next few days. Discipline, punishment, limits, fear, strength and courage. Choice, confidence, maturity and self-discipline. Semantics – the joy of semantics. All too often we are talking about the same things but using words to either inflate our own or deflate our opponents perceived self-importance.
How lame is that.
And for putting up with this hissy-fit, some real and some fake sex stuff on Friday. CD
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