BDSM without being mean

This was the best way I could come up with describing what I was looking for to my husband last week and really started the ball rolling.

Last month we started doing some role playing – something a bit more intense than our usual bedroom antics but still pretty tried and true.  There were elements of degradation and of his knowing that I wanted to be spanked and dominated and lording it over me.  We played out these scenarios for a few weeks on those nights when we weren’t too exhausted from work and kids.  It was very satisfying, but a little off as well.  While playing the whore who needs to be told just how bad she is for wanting to be dominated is fun, there’s good reason why that scenario is a cliche.  Something didn’t quite ring true for me, and I knew I wanted something different.

I tried very hard to find the right words to tell my husband what it was that I was looking for.  I wanted the dominance and the physical discipline but without the play acting.  Fun though it was, I felt like it was a bit of work to keep up that facade.  I wanted desperately to be dominated, but I didn’t want to be called a whore or a slut for wanting it.  I wanted there to be lovemaking rather than just fucking.  There was something that I was searching for, but I still couldn’t define it.

I was able to get across some of what I was looking for in a way that made sense to him, and the experience was so close to what I wanted.  We did a lot more talking and soul searching but still couldn’t quite define what we were looking for.  I finally read something on a message board that really helped me gather my thoughts – just a simple request for advice that finally turned out to have something to do with a very simple D/s scenario involving what clothing to wear.  This thought bubbled in my mind for several days and I tried to find the words to describe what I wanted to my husband.  He could see it meant a lot to me, but he too was unsure of exactly what we were looking for and afraid of going too far.  We knew right off what we weren’t looking for so that did help clarify things a bit.

I finally got up the nerve to contact someone so I could ask questions and get some guidance.  In one of my messages I told her that we were looking for BDSM without being mean, if that made any sense.  Thankfully, she knew exactly what I meant and with that connection I was able to better solidify what it is that I was looking for.  I want to be dominated, but without verbal abuse.  I want to completely submit to my husband and feel safe in my complete trust in him, knowing that he will always do his best to protect me.  I want the dominance to be more than just the bedroom but to keep on being the woman that I am – smart, funny, mother of two, and the wife I’ve been to him for the past ten years.  Most of all, I don’t want this to be work, because nothing would kill it faster than it being something that requires significant effort from either of us.

We did a lot more talking and started to define what it was we were looking for.  I was surprised by some of the discoveries I’ve made about what I am looking for sexually and just how deep my need to completely submit is.  I think my husband has been the most surprised by the thought of wanting his dominance to extend to our everyday lives and not just as a precursor to sex, and that’s really the pivotal point.  We found out just what an expression of complete trust this is and how huge it is for me to be able to completely let go and truly be his.  I was able to reach that point last night and was almost sobbing with the joy and frankly a bit of terror at the prospect during orgasm.  Spooning in bed with him afterwards, being stroked and calmed by him was one of the sweetest moments of my life.

I am his, completely.  He realizes that his ownership is a sacred trust and the biggest gift I could ever give him.  While I know that the intensity of our feelings will die down a bit as our new understanding of each other looses it’s newness, I want to hold onto the feelings of a second honeymoon for as long as I can.