“The BDSM community is only a community in so far as it is a loose grouping of acts that are not seen as standard or vanilla, other than that there is almost infinite variety.” – anonymous lover
Part 3 of Slutty, slutty me!
Much of this blog is dedicated to my self-exploration of my own BDSM desires. The fact is that I don’t know definitively what it is that I want. If I did, then I could define it and set a strategy to get it and go after it. This lack of understanding of what exactly it is that I’m looking for is perhaps the best argument for me to look for a Dom/me so that I can be lead into deeper self-exploration in directions I may not have thought of going on my own.
Sexuality in general is over-defined and under-comprehended in my opinion. If we deal just with BDSM, the variety of interpretations of what Dominance is and is not are vast and varied to me. Some people are sure they have the answers, they have written books, read books, subscribed to theories that they believe in as firmly as any Baptist preacher does his Bible. Me, I recognize that I am still young enough and more importantly impressionable enough for my ideas on what I do and don’t believe to be somewhat fluid and changeable. Which doesn’t mean that I will buy into any old nonsense or that I won’t defend my own opinions or positions such as they currently are.
Still one of the most common questions I get is about what I’m into, people would like me to define myself as a sub, slut, whore… to put me under a label. I understand this as a need to know more about me, but I’m not sure what label(s) fit, so here are my understandings of the various labels and how I think I fit into them.
While there are many more terms here are the few I have chosen:
Bondage & Discipline
Domination & Submission
Sado-Masochism
Slut
Submissive vs. Slave (which I have already addressed here)
Whore
Fetishist
Kinkster
What you will find here is what I am coming to realize is a cross section of the snippets I take from each categorization to form what my ‘brand’ of ideal BDSM is, which may not be BDSM by some people’s definitions but I can find no better word or label. It is too vanilla for some, and too kinky for others.
BONDAGE & DISCIPLINE
I’m actually not quite sure why these two are paired. I suppose to some that shows my naivety. I see them as two separate acts that can go together but don’t necessarily.
I believe bondage can be done in total absence of discipline. To be bound, trapped, immobilized and vulnerable to another human being is in my mind one of the most intense experiences I am seeking. I would be very interested in a Dom/me who wants to explore my growth in this area. I also find the bondage pictures some of the most beautiful in BDSM.
Discipline on the other hand I believe exists with or without bondage. I am not a big fan of what I will call corporal discipline or inflicting pain as a form of punishment. Although I do enjoy light pain to heighten sensitivity and tactile pleasure during sex. Even less attractive to me is sexual abstinence discipline. Safe to say I have none, and I have no desire to develop it.
Where I do like elements of discipline are in the task & obedience realm. I am however quite specific about this. I like it in the terms of role play, in the bedroom play, and general foreplay to create a mood. Some of the behaviour discipline that involves long term commitment to seemingly random rules I have no interest in. I’m not about to alter my sex life with my partner, start doing things at work I don’t already do or commit to a daily regiment for your enjoyment. This is after all still my life. I don’t believe these types of regiments are discipline so much being disciplined which I believe is a deeper form of submission or slavery than I am interested in experiencing.
DOMINATION & SUBMISSION
I believe this D/s relationship exists on the premise of surrendering one’s choice, will, and agency to another. It can be done in different degrees of physical, mental and emotional experience.
I believe I am a dominant personality who wants to experience what it feels like to submit. That being said, I’m choosy about who I think is worth submitting to, which is dominant in itself. This means that a Dom/me who is interested in me needs to be self-secure enough to have his or her Domination judged next to others and will be confident enough that if he or she is to Dominate me that I will be their natural choice and that should I not choose them it will not diminish their own self worth or image.
I do eventually want to dominate other people. Most of my fantasies around being dominant involve setting tasks and instructing others in humiliation of third parties. The fact that my domination fantasies are somewhat limited is one of the reasons I want to expand my scope as a sub to understand how a domination experience grows from ‘do the dishes’ to ‘cum in her mouth when I say’.
On the submissive side I’m interested in things that evoke a power exchange. I want the power exchange to be overt. Either by physical force or bait manipulation. There are lots of interests to bait me with, new scenes, costumes, locations, sensations, toys… What I am not interested in is convincing a Dom/me of what a “good sub” I can be by simply laying down at my masters feet and trying to please him.
In fact, I’m quite a bad sub. I have little interest in pleasing my ‘master’ unless I’m going to get something out if it. Yes, I’m a selfish little slut at the core. I have two dogs, one is a Sheppard and is always by my side and genuinely looks worried anytime he does something bad. The other is a Beagle who will do anything in the world to get food, and only looks sorry he was caught in the act of doing something bad rather than the behaviour. I’m much more like the Beagle.
Trying to bait me by asking me to tell you why I would make a ‘good sub’ and why you should choose me will simply get you the answer that you should not choose me if you are looking for a good sub. I’m looking for someone who enjoys making someone submissive, not someone who enjoys someone who is actually submissive. You’ll be terribly disappointed in me in such a case.
SADO-MASOCHISM
The enjoyment of hurting someone or being hurt. Safe to say I don’t really fall into this category except in the shallowest end. I will tolerate being spanked, slapped and pinched because I think it makes my body more sensitive and that is more enjoyable during sex. I get no pleasure from pain.
I do like to be handled ‘roughly’ which I interpret to mean I prefer to be grabbed and ridden hard rather than sweetly caressed, soothed and gently made love to.
SLUT
There is a lot of discussion on fetlife on what is and is not a slut. Many women defend the position that a person can be a monogamous slut. While I won’t judge publicly on the boards I don’t share this opinion.
In my opinion a slut is not only a woman (or man) who enjoys sex, and lots of sex, but also enjoys that sex – that lots of sex – with many different partners. Sluts, while they may have some standards generally have less barriers to entry (pun intended) than other ‘non-sluts’. While I do have some physical hang ups I generally will fuck a 180 lb person as soon as a 250 lb person. I enjoy many different shapes, sizes and sexes. I am not reserved about taking off my clothes in front of a stranger or about having sex with a stranger.
My filters are generally around safety concerns. That ever so hard to quantify ‘good-feeling’ vs. ‘bad-feeling’. Or age – I’m not big on younger men. Or physical compatibility – I want a man who I know can physically match me, which I don’t think a 120 lb (or even 140 lb) man could do.
Aside from that I have preferences but I’m generally game to fuck whomever if I have the time and energy given the demands of my vanilla life.
SUBMISSIVE VS. SLAVE
See this post
WHORE
I see a whore as different than a slave, although I do know it is common for slaves to be whored out, part of the ‘total submission experience’.
Whoring is a fantasy of mine. It’s not yet very evolved in my mind, if I want someone to whore me out, who gets the money, is it for money or other valuations, do I whore out myself as an independent, do I go as far as trying to get a review on one of the escort sites, are there still brothels that would take a guest whore?
The major issue of course with whoring is safety…. But then, how much safer am I doing what I do now? I think the difference largely is expectations. Without money or an exchange of some value involved the other person is an equal and will chalk it up to ‘not working out’. As soon as the offer of whoring is issued then there is an expectation of desire met.
FETISHIST
Some of the lifestylers I’ve met would classify me as a fetishist rather than a BDSM person. They use this because (from what I can gather) they see fetishists as people who are otherwise vanilla except for a fetish kink. Or as one person put it fetishists do stuff that vanilla people think is kinky.
Although I do enjoy a wide array of fetishes, I don’t think I am a fetishist for one simple reason. That is, most fetishists I’ve met are very fixated on their personal fetish, an encounter would be incomplete for them if it did not include their fetish. And, some are simply satisfied to do their fetish without any other interaction.
If I do have a fetish it is simply fucking. I love to be fucked. That’s it.
Of the fetishes I’ve encountered here are some I enjoy: roleplay, heels, stockings, lingerie, corsets, being bathed, spanking, body painting, being watched, watching, threesomes, group play, anonymous sex, oral sex (giving), costumes, forced nudity (to a degree), bondage…
I’m sure there are more, if you are curious ask.
Here are some that I am definitely NOT into: children, animals, blood, welts, bruising, needles, medical play, cutting, piercing, scat, pee (watersports), slavery…
KINKSTER
I find myself gravitating to this label as I go through this search. I am not a ‘true submissive’, I am admittedly dabbling, I enjoy acts of fetishism more than acts of sado-masochism, but I like my acts of fetishism to be spattered with some power-shifting Domination and Submission, I have no particular fetish but I’m open to trying many and I have some fantasies that fall clearly in the BDSM categories like bondage, spanking and whoring (not to mention rape). In short I’m a slut to variety.
I think the draw-back of Kinkster seems to be an association with very mild vanilla + behaviour. The type of person who would wear the stockings and heels but the collar may be too much.
I could be off base on that assumption? What are your thoughts? What kind of sub am I?
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