I still can’t quite wrap my head around the feeling this creates in me and the intense desire I have to be near him in this way. Friday night, I was performing fellatio and jerking him off with my hands while he sat on the sofa and I knelt naked before him. I had been looking forward to this immensely – working my hardest to make him come using only my mouth and hands and was rewarded when he came in my mouth. I was still sitting on the floor, rubbing my face against his cock and looking up at him, feeling so proud that I did it without any help from him. I’m not sure where the impulse came from, but I was overcome with the need to lay at his feet, wrapping my arms around his leg and gently kissing and licking his foot. I felt so happy to give him such pleasure, that I had worked hard to improve it seemed the perfect thing to do, to offer myself up to him so completely.
He was incredibly moved my this and we’ve been talking about it a lot since. While power play and control are a lot of fun, it’s not something either of us really wants to do 24/7. Many of our discussions come back to the fact that I have opened up to him completely and that that openness requires much from him. I need to know he’s there to catch me, that he cherishes me and will protect me as best he is able. I also need to let him in – to tell him when I need his support and care, to show him my feelings. It’s still scary as hell sometimes.
We are coming off of an incredibly stressful weekend for me – Halloween costumes and sick kids do not a relaxed woman make. He has been taking extra steps to make sure that I am cared for because I am so bad at doing it myself. Some of this care has been difficult to accept. I have a tendency to do for others and push all of my needs to the back until I get that half-step away from my breaking point and my own needs have to be addressed right then and there. Last night he decided that I needed to sleep, so he took care of our youngest all night. This morning he told me that the baby fell asleep on the floor next to the sofa and my response was, “Why didn’t you come and get me to switch with you? I would have slept on the sofa and you could have slept in bed.” His response was an almost stern, “No, you needed your sleep.”
I have been thinking about this all day. My knee jerk reaction was a, “but I’m supposed to take care of you!” My second reaction was a bit more confusing and I’m still not sure what to make of it on a couple of levels. As I mentioned before, I have issues with authority figures – lots of issues. His response to something that was not directly bedroom related (yeah, I know in the broadest sense it *is* related to the bedroom) kind of threw me for a loop. I am his submissive, and the form that submission is taking sometimes looks like the popular notion of BDSM, but for the most part involves me opening myself up completely to him and pleasing him to the best of my ability while he takes care of me. I’m having a little bit of trouble reconciling our reality with what I think submissives are *supposed* to do.
I can separate out the knee-jerk authority figure fear, but letting go of this next level of control is going to be a bit harder. I’ve always craved this kind of care and devotion – mainly because I’ve never had it. Now I do and once again I am scared by it for all the usual reasons – that it’s going to prove to be too much for him and he’ll decided I’m too much work and want to leave me. He, on the other hand is thriving. I have never seen him so confident, so self-assured. I know this is right, that this is the way we both want our dynamic to manifest itself and I have to work on letting go of these fears, knowing that this is what he wants more than anything right now.
Man, is it ever hard to submit sometimes and I have a job ahead of me getting my inner task master to step down and let my husband (who is far more gentle and way less of a sadist) take over. At least there isn’t much pressing going on right now and I can sit at his feet tonight so we can reconnect.
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