There are a few topics that seem to never get ‘resolved’ and thus are destined to forever be brought up over and over ad infinitum in BDSM theory. This is almost definitely a good thing. Its also most decidedly puzzling and complex, especially when one is trying to define themselves in the words of these discussions which are ever evolving. One of the ones that I dont think willl ever cease to be discussed is that of what defines a submissive vs. what defines a slave?
I myself have puzzled over it time and time again. I WAS pretty comfy calling myself a submissive (in my bottomy headspace at least, as I am a switch). I had looked at all the ‘arguments’ and took stock in my own comfort levels in how the terms ‘fit’ me and came to the conclusion that sub was the best match for me. Many MANY people scoff at even that as I am fairly ‘not traditional subby material’, outwardly at least. Behind closed doors is always a different matter. But this isnt about ‘them’, its about me and my search and journey through this vocabulary maze.
I attended a workshop on the matter at Unholy Harvest (which, btw, you should definitely check out next year!) this year where this topic was discussed. The topic came up AGAIN later that week in two different circles.In these conversations all my thinking was rather turned on its head. Prior to, I had placed myself firmly in the middle of the bottomy trifecta. Its not a competition, but so many view this whole thing rather like post graduate degrees:
- To be a bottom is to have your BA/BS
- To be a submissive is to have your Masters (oh the irony!)
- To be a slave is to have your PhD
(The view often is that a slave is ‘better’ than a sub because she is more devoted in some way. Its unspoken but palpable that slavery is the goal, submission is either posing or just a sto along the way to that goal. In short, submission is oft seen as inferior in some way.)
After the conference and following conversations, it seems ’slave’ may actually be a better fit.
Is this the result of the deepening of my submission? That after 3 years with my Dominant that only now my head space has fully embraced surrender? Not a chance. Not a darn thing has changed between he & I. All thats changed is my perspective on the other perspectives out there.
I googled sub vs slave and found 3 articles that sum up the basic arguments between all the debate. Please read them in their entirety if you wish but here I am only going to quote the parts that speak to what I have stated above so as to illustrate where I found the points of interest that changed my perspective.
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(this is written as ‘here is what they said, how does that apply to how I self identify?’ this is not a judgement call on how anyone else views things nor is it an exhaustive list of arguments or the only way to define this stuff, just how I puzzle it out for myself)
- As a sub: ‘However you have your opinions and your choices and you can still make them’;’ you have more of an option to stop’; ‘Say you do the dishes and pay the bills, these things usually are still under your control’; ‘A submissive obeys and serves by choosing to do so each time and retains her will. A slave initially makes a choice to obey her Master at all times and then submits to the will of her Master at all times.‘ – Ah the ‘brainwash’ argument. The theory goes that the slave is SO enslaved they cannot think in terms of ‘will i do this?’ and only do things on autopilot. I disagree. All the self identifying slaves that I know and respect all still make conscious decisions every day, they just always end up deciding to do what Master says because that is the life they choose. When you do the dishes, even if you ‘wouldnt think of NOT doing them’ its still you making your hands do the work. ergo: concious choice. I dont think any slave has ever woken up from some fog and said ‘awesome! those dishes got done!’. You know what are doing and WHY you are doing it, that isnt brainwashing.. its choice. And subs and slaves both do that. Verdict for me? nuetral
- ‘in a submissive role although you give up the control the power is really still 50/50 just in a different setting and under more intense circumstances‘ – First, I dont agree with this.. but for arguments sake: I do feel a fair bit of control in my relationship but its because thats what makes his life easier and he ALWAYS has final say. That means I really have very little of the control, if any. Verdict for me? According to this, I’m a slave
- ‘Sex is usually a large part of this relationship and mostly where the submission enters in’ – well sex is a large part of ALOT of relationships, BDSM or not so that isnt really an accurate qualifier. But alot do feel sex is the only place a submissive is submissive. Well, that aint the case here. Its more overt in our sex but its always there, 24/7.Verdict for me? Slave
- ‘Slaves usually are slaves 24/7. They may work but when they get home there is no distinction from normal day to a BDSM day, that person is always a slave from the day they ask for that.’ – Yup, that sounds like my life. Verdict for me? Slave
- ‘A submissive accepts submission, while a slave accepts obedience’; ‘The submissive is a volunteer.The slave is not a volunteer.’ – Oh dear. If you submit to and carry out your Sir’s every order, you are obeying it. And we are talking BDSM slavery not actual ‘take you in the night and force you to work under pain of death’ type slavery here. We are all volunteers. Verdict for me? This one is a non issue completely. Nuetral
- ‘A submissive often has a list of conditions, rules, and limits that a Dominant is required to agree to before entering a session or relationship.‘ ‘Their submission may be quite limited in range, for example, they may only want and desire to release their submission in a limited fashion, for short amounts of time and within tightly confined arena’s. This type of submissive will generally carry a long list of rules, boundaries, limits, requirements etc. which they require the Dominant to agree to prior to engaging their submissive aspect within the relationship.’ - Limits? you betcha. I do not want my arm getting hacked off with a chainsaw thank you very much. Conditions and rules? Not a chance. Verdict for me? Slave (because I firmly believe NOONE, slave or not, is cool with the chainsaw scenario. i dont care how hard core you think you are)
- ‘the Master may have total control, then once the period is over, control returns to the submissive. The Master only borrows control of the submissive and to the extent the submissive wishes and she controls her submission.’ This, to me, is a bottom. Verdict? Nuetral
- ‘If the focus is on self then you are a submissive, if the focus is on your Master, then you are a slave.’ – I still think focus on self = bottom, focus on Master = sub or slave. But going by this then, verdict for me? Slave
- ‘Being a slave means you are willing to be molded to fit her Master’s needs and to serve him’.; ‘Her attention is on his happiness. A Master is responsible for the needs and happiness of a slave. She gives him authority over her needs and happiness. However, a slave is responsible to communicate those needs and feelings. The limits of the Master become the limits of the slave.’ - Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
- ‘Often a slave is given great responsibilities within the relationship. They are given a general framework of limits and direction and expected to act within them using their own resources and abilities. A slave is often asked to express her thoughts on issues or problems, but realizes that the final decision is always her Master’s. The decision made by her Master becomes absolute for her.’ – Yup, this would be me. Verdict for me? Slave
- ‘…the person that calls themselves submissive who prefers to seek out only casual contacts.’ – Nope, not me. When I do this I consider it bottoming, submission or slavery is not a part of it. Verdict for me? Slave
There is more, and I could go on and on. But this is really the way most of it seems to be going. Every single ‘hallmark of slavery’ (with the exception of no limits which I just personally do not believe exists for anyone) seems to be what I have been referring to as submission. So I should start calling myself a slave, yes?
Not really. The term slave, while now proven applicable, just doesn’t seem to fit me. Its like that dress you see and try on and, yeah it fits, but not as well as you’d like. And as someone told me whilst giving me shopping advice one day, ‘if you dont love it, dont buy it.’ I dont love the term slave for me. So I’ll keep my submissive moniker.
And really, all of this is for naught. These terms are fluid, personal, individual and ever changing. So in the end its what feels right for each person and all the rhetoric and dogma surrounding it just doesn’t matter. Be who you are and be happy in it. Let others be who they are and them be happy in that. Maybe your views don’t totally line up but.. now here is the REAL kicker for slavery: If what you do and how you identify pleases your Dominant/Sir/Master/Owner/Mistress/etc.. that other person’s views have no bearing on your dynamic, so go engage in and enjoy that dynamic in your way.
As my wise friend giving the workshop so eloquently summed all this up:
‘I am begining to wonder if the red herring in all of it is trying to compare D/s and M/s and whether that just muddles the thoughts – where a comparison between power exchange and non power exchange might lead to more interesting analysis??
D/s and M/s are like crunchy versus smooth peanut butter they are much the same and hard to distinguish and yet….some how different to those that are questing for one specifically.’
Amen. I used to be a smooth kinda girl, these days its crunchy. Either way its yummy and I’ll take more please and thank you.
~kim
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