Make Me

A month and a half into this search some ideas are starting to crystallize around what I am, and am not looking for.

BDSM comes in all different varieties, which is great, but some appeal more than others. To date I have found what I think I can reduce to three types of domination and submission, each form is more complex than I will make it here – as the purpose is to simplify – and has potential for a large amount of variety.

What I hope you can take away from this is where my mind is currently at regarding BDSM play, what I am looking for and if you think you would enjoy having me as your sub given the direction I am heading at the moment.

One quick note: I am only a month into this search, my ideas are still forming and can likely be changed, so if you think that I have ill-considered a given direction please feel free to direct me, and challenge me in new ways.

THREE FORMS

Sensual: This form is the softest of the D/s forms that I have found. Requests from Dom/mes that describe themselves as sensual Dom/mes tend to be around silk stockings, lingerie, baby-girl or dolly dress up, specific hygiene (i.e. completely shaved, specific scents). This Dom/me is caring, they want to gently lead a sub to mutual pleasure. Play if full of tickling and caresses. Domination is subtle, quiet and creates a dynamic of teacher to student.

Servitude: This form of D/s focuses on incorporating both non-sexual and sexual acts of submission into play. It is focused around choice and obedience. Play can easily be extended beyond the bedroom by requiring the sub to perform mundane tasks (dishes, journal writing, specific clothing or underclothing choices). In the sexual realm it trends towards a Dom/me who enjoys giving specific directions, and wants to participate in specific acts (i.e. cum slut, anal).

Ur-Dom: This is the most violent form of D/s and assumes that the sub is playing from an unwilling standpoint. Dom/mes in this area often enjoy sadistic acts and extreme forms of play.

PROS & CONS

Sensual

Pro: This form is ideal for teaching, it is gentle and limits are most easily respected. Most of the Dom/mes I have talked with who describe themselves this way are intelligent, kind and considerate. They are easy to talk to and confess to. It is easy to meet their play requirements and provides a significant amount of discretion and safety. I also enjoy that most male Dom/mes in this category tend to be older. I like playing with age dynamics.

Con: This is not the kind of play that really turns me on. If we are thinking about fantasies and what ‘gets me wet’, being slowly caressed, tickled or wearing lingerie is all nice, and soft and safe but does not really excite me.

Servitude

Pro: Allowing play to continue between play visits is a big turn on for me. As you may have noticed, finding a Dom/me who can engage me when we are not physically engaged is high on my priority list (see challenges).

Con: I find the Dom/mes I have talked to in this area seem to fixate on specific acts and tasks. While I like the idea of extending play beyond the bedroom I need variety and routines bore me. For example, I would enjoy doing acts of housework as part of a play scenario, but becoming someone’s unpaid housekeeper does not interest me. Likewise these Dom/mes seem fixated on specific sexual acts like wearing devices, going without under garments, performing oral in a set way, or constantly being clean shaven. While I’m happy to do most of these now and then this needs to be play for me not a lifestyle choice.

Ur-Dom

Pro: The forced scenarios / scenes are the fantasies that excite me the most. Incorporating physical submission in addition to mental and emotional submission hits all of my ‘go’ buttons.

Con: I’m not a pain slut. I don’t get off on pain and I’m rarely willing to go even a fraction of the way that most Dom/mes in this area seem to want to go. I also need the discretion of being careful not to leave obvious marks (see vanilla life). Finally I find these Dom/mes are so focused on the physical side of pushing, shoving, hitting, binding, flogging, clamping, needling, cutting, etc… that they completely abandon the mental and emotional sides of Domination.

IDEAL

At the moment my ideal Dom/me would have the aggressive play style of the Ur-Dom ready to force me to my knees and give me an unmerciful fucking with the least excuse.

They would have the creativity of the Servitude Dom and use choice in tasks as a motivational factor to allow me to choose to comply (or not to) thus bringing pain & punishment or pleasure & mercy down on myself.

Finally they would have the teaching attitude of the Sensual Dom knowing that sometimes a carrot works better than a stick, but not always.