Sure it has to do with the fun of role-playing, but much of the time it’s really about something way deeper than that: it’s about the power of healing, something that is so often so hard to get in touch with, especially where we need it most.
Role-playing, if you take it seriously enough, becomes REAL. Your mind forgets that you have constructed a situation, and “goes on autopilot,” and you just go with things as they are. Kink/BDSM (bondage/discipline/dominance/submission/sado-masochism) allows us to do this where we are often most vulnerable: in the primal/sexual arena of life.
Some of our most extreme feelings happen in the realm of sex and intimacy. Feelings of unbridled passion, beautiful sensations, sensual flights to distant spiritual lands… and then, unfortunately, there is the flip side when it stops or goes badly. Feelings of inadequacy, of worthlessness, of disappointment and shame. These intense feelings rip control from our grasp, knocking us around and often leaving a traumatic feeling of having been violated.
A friend of mine who is studying child psychology notes that a significant amount people in the fetish scene went through certain traumas as children–experiences that left them feeling abandoned, violated, or markedly disoriented. This is not the case for everybody, but it does illustrate how powerful BDSM is for people who have intimate questions about the nature of their very existence–questions that cannot be answered with a 5-minute conversation, or even a 5-hour one.
As “dangerous” as BDSM sometimes sounds, it is actually so powerful and therapeutic because it must involve safety and trust, otherwise it won’t work! But you see, once you do assume complete trust and attention to safety, you become free to do and experience things you could not normally–such as putting yourself in pain. Thing is that, where there is pain in a safe context, no matter how sharp it is in a moment, there will soon be healing–and healing feels so good and soothing.
The actual physical aspect of BDSM is only one aspect of the experience, and often not the principal one. It is the psychology of possibility that really drives things… the feeling that, for example, when you have someone tied up, you could do anything to them–or, if you’re the one tied up, that the other person could do anything to you. It is healing precisely because it is extreme–or rather, because the possibilities are extreme.
This goes just as much for the dominant, power-wielding person as it does for the submissive. A person taking on the dominant role may feel inadequate at times, fear being disrespected, or simply want to be admired. By exercising power over the submissive, the dominant person is able to transcend fears of not being adequate or not being respected. And thus as a matter of course, proper behavior in the dominant role involves being intimately in touch with the person you are dominating, always listening and making sure they are enjoying the experience too. Through this kind of interaction, you build confidence in your abilities and learn to trust yourself, as other people learn to trust you, and that quickly spreads to other areas of life.
The key throughout all this is that, because these activities are safe and consensual to start with, you get to own your own experience. So, for example, if you were sexually assaulted and/or have a fear of being forced, you can actually use “rape play” as a way to face that experience in an atmosphere of safety and trust. It’s like a fantasy, except it is real–but you can hit the stop button anytime. And facing down and owning a fear, especially an intimate one that isn’t easy to talk about, is one of the most healing things you can do for your soul.
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